Erectile Dysfunction

[gina3210]

HELP!.. I am having a very hard time being a supportive partner to my boyfriend of 3 years who has ED.. and has had issues with ED starting in his last live in relationship, after a nasty divorce where his
wife left him for another woman...(which he feels was the trigger for his low confidence level
sexually, and led to the ED)..

Unfort. my boyfriend led me to believe this problem started at the beginning of our relationship, but later devulged it was prior.. so i started out being somewhat angry for being lied to, etc.. on top of
feeling all the normal things women go thru, as far is, it being my fault.. i wasnt attractive enough,
and so on... (i still struggle with these feelings, but i guess that is normal)

my boyfriend has since had all the medical testing performed,to find that he does not have anything physically causing his
problem, so we are now just starting therapy as a couple..with a licensed social worker, a woman whom we both found we liked... (just 3 sessions so far)...

frankly i am not feeling like this is going to be of any benefit, but i realize its just in the beginnning
stages and this issue is a very complex matter and will take alot of time and patience to work through.. so i am trying to stay upbeat... but its a struggle. so far the therapist is zeroing in on
me, and is working to make me change my mindset about needing this part of our relationship,
when i love my boyfriend in all other ways, etc. etc. basically, she has told me that i may as
well accept our sex life as "reality".. and learn to enjoy other forms of pleasuring one another,
which i dont have an issue with, but i REALLY was hoping to work thru this as a couple so that
we can have a satisfying sex life all across the board... i am unfort. at the point where my
sexual desire is in the trash can, and could care less to have any physical contact, but the
therapist is basically telling me to "grow up" and just go home and have sex... which as you
can imagine does not make me feel like my feelings are justified in that i have no desire, and
now i feel pressured to perform when i dont feel the slightest bit amorous, what have you..

I am now completly stressed, frustrated, and hopeless about this whole issue and how to deal
with it, i guess after 3 years... i am just plain sexually frustrated????.... over the past 3 years i have dealt with my feelings by eating and unfort. i have gained a significant amout of weight, which
has only served to make me more depressed and feeling unattractive physcially... i am desperate..
and need to chat with other partners who have lived thru this or are currently
dealing with these issues... i have searched the internet for "support groups", but so far no luck..

if anybody has any information or insight they would care to share, it would be GREATLY appreciated.. i feel like the therapist we are seeing is simply not going to help me deal
with my side of this issue.. so i figure i can maybe get some help elsewhere while still
being their for my boyfriend and waiting to see if she helps him..

regards,
gina in michigan

[gina3210]

Weellll..its been over a month since my post.. and not ONE post with possible help!.. WOW!..

I was fairly confident someone would read my post and could help point me in a direction of some
type of support group..

I guess I will post this and pray that this time someone will help... I have faith..

Undating my post, my boyfriend and i have been to counseling every week now..and things really
arent that different.. we have finallly been giving "homework"... to take one day a week and each of us has to come up with a "date" idea.. do that.. and also one day to simply enjoy a sensual activity together..
that does not involve sex, etc.. just sensual massage, touching.. taking a shower together, that sort of thing.. we still havent started our homework.. due to my being ill this week.. it seems like the thing to do to help me get my desire back.. and maybe help take pressure off my boyfriend to perform..
but i am still not feeling anything on his end is being addressed... and its time to get to the real
nitty gritty of this all... to talk about WHY he feels his erection dies as soon as he enters me..

i think this is a very important fact of whats going on.. and its not just that he cant have erections..
its that it dies at this certain time.. the counseler hasnt even went down that road... am i wrong
to think that seems odd?... or am i just being impatient?..

any obersvations or comments would be helpful!
thanks!

[Piano]

I don't know about support groups -- the only places I know of are boards such as this, and as you will have noticed, this one is not very active.

Maybe your counselor is being paid by the hour, so has no particular reason to speed things up. :-)

If the basic problem is your boyfriend's ED, then he should see a doctor. There are many treatments available, so it is silly to suffer in silence. Some drugs such as anti-depressants or blood pressure medication can worsen ED. If there is no medical reason not to take them, drugs such as Viagra would be worth trying.

Some self-help treatment may even be possible. If he can get it up, but can't keep it up, there is a device called a "cock ring" which will stop the blood flow out of the penis (available on-line or in your local sex-shop). Rubber bands wrapped around the base of the penis also work, but not as elegantly.

There are other devices available too -- pumps, which also involve constriction rings, and penile injections (highly effective, which I use) -- it just depends how enthusiastic your boyfriend is in pursuing those approaches.

[olympian86]

Hello gina3210

I am no expert and just joined this forum. I am a guy that has mishandled his ED. I would say continue to communicate with you man. maybe something in his past makes him go limp. i think he is worried about lossing you as well. try to assure him you are not going anywhere and to seek medication, then work on a signale that the both of you can use, mainly you, when you want to try the waters again. He like me is always ready to say yes. he can take the meds an hour before the big event once you give the signal. and if he should initiate give him a shot. he probably will have taken his meds trying to keep the spontanity in it all. if you turn him down soon there will be no more meds, you always say no, and you are back to square one. i am hinting at what i have done and what my wife has or has not done. as you know it is a vicious cycle. come up with a game plan together and execute. you take it easy and good luck. i dont want to chime in like the therpist but you hold one key to a double lock and he holds the other. you must work together. piano has some good advice also. hopefully my situation will work itself out. i now understand by reading your entry how my wife feels. thanks again and good luck